I have three children, each of which is extremely unique. Each has their own personalities and quirks about them. I love them each and love their uniqueness. Sometimes this uniqueness is a little much though. Each throw their own type of tantrums or fits. My oldest son is very emotional, as I hear a lot of 11 year old boys are. He gets mad quickly but he’s pretty easy to manage. My youngest son is 5 and very easy to manage. He will cry if he thinks he has disappointed us and if he’s being mean or bad, we can tell him to go to his room until he’s happy and he does. Now our 8-year-old daughter is a completely different story. Let me explain….
We have been having issues with fits. Not just a normal fit, but a lay on the ground, kick, scream, hit and anything else bad you can think of fit. It’s tiring. This used to happen occasionally and lately it has been happening more and more….let’s say 2-3 times per day. These types of fits make life miserable. I can hear her screaming and crying in my head, hours after it has stopped.
What have we tried:
While we have not been crazy enough to make her run for three hours straight, we have tried many different things, that work on most kids.
- Reasoning with her (nope, there is no reasoning, she just screams to leave her alone)
- Time out
- Writing sentences (you’d think 400 sentences in one day would make her change her attitude…nope!)
- Ignoring the behavior (that just makes it worse)
- Grounding her to her room
- Removed everything from her room. (just a mattress on the floor)
- Took away her normal clothes and replaced with uniforms.
- Positive re-enforcement
- Removed Red Dye from her diet
- Quality one-on-one time
Okay, so I know we’ve been doing more, but that’s what is on the top of my head. This has been going on for quite some time. We’ve tried everything that anyone has told us…..nothing works. The outbursts are getting worse. She’s a perfect angel at school, but at home it is a whole different child.
Professional help:
I decided it was time for counseling. Maybe they could figure out what is going on with her, right? They are the professionals. My son’s counselor, about 2 years ago, said she didn’t know what to do with Kylie and didn’t want to see her…so I wasn’t sure counseling would be the right avenue. I’m desperate..I’ll try anything! I called around and got in with the quickest appointment possible. After our first visit the advice we were given was to spend more one-on-one time and ignore her fits. Uuumm…sure, easier said than done. We did it though. She helped me make dinner, we played games and then she threw a huge fit because it was bed time. Ugh, okay. Second appointment and guess what? They don’t even know what to tell me to try. We’ve tried everything.
Research it myself!
When my oldest was younger he was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). He grew out of it but now Kylie obviously has it as well. Great.
Let me explain what ODD is…..
Children with ODD show a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, hostile behavior towards people of authority. It can interfere with day-to-day functioning. Symptoms may include:
- Frequent temper tantrums
- Excessive arguing with adults
- Often questioning rules
- Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
- Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
- Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
- Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
- Frequent anger and resentment
- Mean and hateful talking when upset
- Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking
This is a fairly common disorder, effecting 1 in 16 children. Some children that are diagnosed with ODD may also have other disorder
My next step:present, such as attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders (depression, bipolar disorder) and anxiety disorders.
I am taking my daughter to have a full assessment completed by a psychiatrist next week. We’ll see what they have to say. The screaming, fighting, yelling, hitting, kicking…..all needs to stop. There are days I could just cry all day long because I am so hurt, so upset that my child is acting this way. When you have a child that acts this way, it can make you feel as if you did something wrong…like your parenting skills are not up to par. I mean, other people’s children don’t act this way…..so it has to be something I did…right? No. There may be something psychological wrong that causes your child to act the way that they do and there is nothing you can do or say that will correct their behavior.
Sometimes you must call in the experts for a resolution.
Have you dealt with a child that was diagnosed with ODD or other behavior issues? How did you handle it?
About Amber
It is a very difficult situation….unless you have been in it, it is difficult to understand. I know other people that have children that either have or have had it and it is impossible to explain the amount of emotion. I have spoken with everyone possible to speak with….I’ve been given lots of suggestions, but no one knows at this point. I guess we’ll see what the psychiatrist says.
I feel so for you my friend! Will definitely keep you all in our thoughts and prayers through all this! ADHD is a difficult diagnosis to get right…make sure your psychiatrist tests her for this however, there are a couple of different tests to accurately diagnose it, wish I could remember which ones they are but remember when Angie and Aaron were diagnosed, they had to take a couple of different tests on the computer at the psychiatrists… Dan and Stephen were both diagnosed while inpatients at their psychiatrists suggestion (within just a few hours in fact)….let me know if there is anything I can do for you! Hugs!
I don’t have any experience with ODD, but am praying for you and your fam and for wisdom to figure out what you can do.
This might not be popular with you but if you Really want to help your children, be sure and tell the assessment officer that you seem extremely focused on “discipline” and not so much on how Your behavior is affecting obviously 2 of your children. Teaching your children by fear will not work. You can come up with unlimited number of ways to force your children to act as You wish and they will do their best, at least while in your sight. And you will have a couple of children who will probably be in therapy all their adult lives. You are the adult and they are the children, and believe it or not you are smarter than they are. But physically damaging them will Not Make Them Love You, or turn out as little replica adults. A good child therapist is needed. And if you think I haven’t been thru this you are wrong. And it got corrected in a week, and it was MY problem, not the children’s. If you feel defensive about this, don’t, your children don’t want you to “feel” bad. Children are very forgiving. Doing the same kinds of things over and over is Insanity, and that is what you are teaching them at the present time. Is this your goal. You have beautiful children, let them bloom!
But we haven’t tried the same things over and over and we stay calm. Maybe not being here and seeing the behavior makes a difference. I have been through counseling with my oldest, which helped a lot. My daughter has had 2 different counselors stumped as to what to do. I don’t know if it is MY issue as you say, as I have tried to remain as calm as possible and just saying, no you can not go ride your scooter without your helmet has turned into a 2 hour fit and me eventually having to hold her in a bear hug because she was throwing things and swinging at me. Even after all of that, she sat on the stairs cheering “n o spells NO” I don’t see how that is MY issue.
Kathy, You need to read up on consistency if you think that it doesn’t work! Any psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor will tell you that one of the biggest keys is consistency, consistency, consistency….especially when dealing with children with this type of problems… you might try reading some of James Dobson, Kevin Lehman or even Dr. Phil’s books…. all of which will say exactly this! And I know Amber personally and know she has tried her heart out! This is NOT in ANY way related to Amber or her husband’s parenting skills! They are great people just trying to do what is best for their children!!! And if you read the entire article Amber states she HAS taken her daughter to more than one therapist and has plans to try another! Don’t judge anyone unless YOU have been in their shoes!!!
Thank you for this Sonya. Yes, we have tried everything possible. I mean, I changed the way our entire family ate to keep the artificial dyes out of the house, we have tried multiple counselors (one of which she kicked during a game of Sorry) and tried various methods of punishment. Nothing is working. Without anyone telling me, I know she is ODD, because my son was diagnosed with that when he was younger, but has now grown out of it (LUCKILY). This Tuesday I take her to see a psychiatrist and will have a family services person come to the house to meet with us here to try and help us through this. I wrote this article because I know we are not the only family going through all of this. It is frustrating and overwhelming, however, it is not our fault. There is something wrong and we need to figure out what it is so we can resolve that.
Unfortunately, I see some people took this as an attack on parenting styles. Defensiveness is a primitive defense mechanism., so is denial. That defeats the purpose of trying to help the child. Sometimes it is the written word that has a problem being translated. Because when I wrote that I was attempting to cheer on the attempt at getting to the root of the problem. It is absolutely Not About Fault. I don’t know of anything that gets changed by assigning fault, and it takes up way too much time! Blame doesn’t make anything better, and it absolutely effects our attitudes and behaviors. And children aren’t stupid, and they pick up on these “vibes”. All I am saying is take away the adult “I’ve tried everything, its not my fault”. Stop and listen to your child from their point of view. Instead of barking orders, stop and ask her to define what the possible outcomes of, for example, riding a bike without a helmet. This deflects the their defensiveness and teaches them 1) to think things through on their own 2) a belief that you are Actually Listening to them and 3) starts actual communication 4) helps prepare them for life by teaching them to stop and think before acting. It is time consuming, but your child will know without telling them that you care about their perspective that you care for them. It won’t be convenient, it won’t be easy but consistency is essential. A parent may not do this once or twice and expect that the child is now listening to them. In a rush rush world, this is may seem like a “impossible” thing to do. While it would be easier if all children were the same, they are not. You can do this, make a positive outcome for the child, and it may take you out of your “comfort” zone, but look at the rewards, a happy, well adjusted child. There are many ideas out there and the ones that work do not include guilt. We are human, we make mistakes, no matter our age. Its what you do with the mistake that counts. Sonya, Dr Phil is Not a child expert and no one said the parents aren’t trying. That is a defense mechanism, “If I say I am not at fault, does that make it so?” In closing, Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, Its about learning to dance in the rain” May you find the peace you so seek for you and your family!
A actually received a lot of replies in my inbox from people. Maybe it is the way you are saying it comes out differently than what you mean. Maybe the fact that you can’t be here to see the types of fits and how they go from nothing to a full out tantrum in seconds makes you not quite understand. There is no reasoning or explaining to her while she is in these manic states. It is like she becomes a different person and has a blank look on her face. At that moment in time it doesn’t matter who you are or what you say, she is in an all out fight mode.
Kathy, how many children do you have that have ODD? I’d love to hear more about what worked with them.
My little brother has ADHD, bipolar, and ODD. I’m still not sure how my mom managed all those years. She was an over the road truck driver for about a year, so I took care of him for that time and I really just wanted to run away.
It was THE hardest year of my life and he wasn’t even my child to deal with, so it was probably easier than it is dealing with your own child that way. I could easily say “omg I hate him” to my mom, and she would be sad but she would understand why I felt that way. You can’t exactly say you hate your own child, and when it is something that is in their genetic makeup it’s not like you can blame them for it, ya know? Sorry, I’m rambling now… IDK if any of that made any sense. I just know it’s hard… SO hard. 
And you need outside help to deal with it. Unless you’ve dealt with this situation there’s no way you can say what you should or should not do, and the sad reality is that most people just don’t understand how difficult it is.
Amber, you’re strong.. so strong. And amazing. It takes a lot to not only reach out and get your babies help, but to admit it and write about it.. I’m pretty sure most people couldn’t (wouldn’t?) do that. So kudos to you for spreading the word while getting her (and you!) much needed help. Please continue to write about your journey, as I think it’s important for others to read about it!
I appreciate these comments Sadie! It is so incredibly difficult to deal with. I have been lucky to have some readers email me directly about similar situations they have gone through and how no one understands. I get it. I went through it with my son, but he was no where as severe as my daughter. We caught his early, started counseling at the age of 4. Yes, FOUR years old. By the time he turned 9 he was much better. My daughter started having issues much later, being that she is now 8 but it is much more severe.
Even with comments that say it is MY fault and I need to change, I will continue to post our struggles and what we are told. I know I am not alone in this battle and have gotten enough comments and emails supporting me to continue.
I am a reader but rarely comment but as this is something that directly affects me, I thought I should jump in. My son has been diagnosed with SPD, ADHD and now we are looking at ODD. I rarely talk about it, or share with anyone, because of the judgement that is passed. When he has a meltdown at the store, I don’t feel that I should ever feel I have to explain his behavior to the hypocrites that are giving me “the look”. He is a confused little boy. I cannot get him to behave and I am an adult who is able to use reasoning, correct words for my emotions, keep control over my emotions and has access to a plethora of information. It is pretty hard for me to expect a 7 yr old boy to do something that even I am not able to do!
I don’t have any answers yet, so I cannot be much help. But I will be watching the comments closely to see if someone can offer a helpful idea or suggestion.
Thank you SO much for posting this. I know exactly how you feel. When my oldest was a toddler he would yell at me, hit me, kick me and cause the biggest scenes in stores. I had half the people looking at me like I needed to beat him and the other half looking at me to see what I did so they could turn me into CPS. It was embarrassing and I hated to have to take him anywhere because I knew he would act like that.
Sadie, I have a male child that has come out of ODD quickly. Interestingly, it was a boy and considerably easier that a my girl. My girl started much later and was much quicker to violence, not lashing out at others or things so much as physically lashing out at herself. By that I mean whatever is around she will physically hurt herself with. So the need to find an answer became extremely important. And what worked was stopping everything I was doing and paying attention to the “issue”. She has a therapist and a social worker to “listen” to her also. I never said it was easy (consistent listening helps) and it is unfortunate that the written word can’t express attitude and facial expressions! I cried when I read the posts, as it is the most bewildering behavior and leaves most adults feeling helpless. And I was lucky to find outside help with answers. Both my children have responded so well to the “talk, talk, listen, listen and listen somemore” and it has taught me a lot about really listening to our children.
No one is blaming you Amber and I don’t get the feeling anyone is blaming You in their posts. Its a journey and no one is to blame ~ as parent’s we just do the best we can, day after day. I would just like to say that I must have heard 100 times from the therapist and social worker: This isn’t about you it’s about the child. When I stopped the blaming and the victimhood and the defensiveness the solutions worked!
And I wish you and your family the best.
Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way! My younger sister was diagnosed with ODD when she was younger (bipolar diagnoses came later in her life) and I wish I could say it was easy to be around her, it was very difficult and our relationship definitely suffered because of it. Never once though did I hold it against her(though it made me dislike her many of times), I knew something wasn’t right. I really admire my mother because it was very hard for her in dealing with all the episodes, mean behavior and defiance, that still somewhat exist and she is now 25. I definitely think talking about it and getting help is such a beneficial thing. My mom talks all the time about how she was made to feel as if it was partly her fault and I never believed that for a second and you shouldn’t either. As moms we do the best we can, though it may be hard, we can’t just throw in the towel and give up though everything makes us feel like we may have to. I think being there to understand your child is such a good thing, I definitely commend you for that
I know that it is not an easy thing to deal with!!
I work with children with emotional/behavior disorders as a teacher of a special needs class. Some suggestions from me would be
1) Try to see if there are any indicators that she might have a meltdown (time of day, facial expression, starting to breathe heavily, etc) This would help you be able to possibly head one off.
2) If you are trying to head one off, make sure you give them choices. If you must enforce a rule (no riding without helmets) try to figure out a way that she can have some choice or control. Do you want to wear the red helmet or the blue one? You have to wear a helmet but would you rather ride in the driveway or backyard? You have to think fast and be able to give SOME control over the situation. ODD people do the exact opposite of what we want them to do! (Ugh, I know) Compromise but control the choices. It doesn’t work every time, but it helps.
3) A good therapist for YOU may help. Not for being a parent that is bad, but to help deal with your feelings of frustration, anger, and frankly, dislike or hate of your own child. I’ve been there with my adopted daughter and it really helped me accept my own feelings. On the outside, I was a great parent, but inside I was so broken up about REALLY disliking my child. Therapy helped me a lot.
4) Pray. Okay, this was helpful for me, but I prayed all day, every day. On the way to work, while cooking, bathing, doing the dishes. It helped to center me to remember that my child is a child of God. He may be able to provide you with some support, comfort, and patience that you do not have on your own.
I came here through the pot o’ gold giveaway and read your post. As one who has been there, I will throw my two cents in. My son has/had ADHD, OCD and ODD. Just your basic alphabet of problems since he was very young. He saw his first psychiatrist at age 5. He had to be hospitalized twice and was in residential treatment for several months which he hated at the time and now says was a God-send. He and I both went through anger management programs and I went through umpteen parenting classes but those are meant for people with normal kids with normal problems. I don’t know the age of your child because I didn’t read the background info. When my son turned 18, he sort of intimidated his teacher and tried to get her to take him back to the classroom from the library. They called it battery and had him arrested. It ended up being a good thing because the courts had a great anger management program…a two-day program. Somehow that clicked. He changed completely.
So, what I am saying is this angry boy/young man turned into the most wonderful, warm, caring, loving and kind man in the world. There is hope. It just takes forever. And, you are not a bad parent. You are a wonderful mother. They act out with you because they are most comfortable with you. Take care.
Thank you Linda! My daughter is 8. We are now seeing a Psychiatrist, Counselor and am starting a Family Support Services program. It’s a lot of work, but hopefully will make life much more enjoyable for all! *Crossing fingers it helps!*
Oh god I feel for you. My son had it and yes they do grow out of it… but please have her see a Pychiatrist b/c it can get out of hand if you don’t try to control it with therapy and or medication. I have all sorts of diagnosis in my immediate family so my children don’t have a very good start. Just to let you know about my oldest he was very arguementative ever since he was little and peaked at the time of when I had to put him in juvenile detention for hitting me. I hope that you guys have a stable environment plus strong positive role models in her life so that she can hear the same things over and over even when she throws her fits. Love but be firm and not give in. I was my son’s enabler b/c I would usually cave in after his fits. I was a single parent at the time, so that did not help. God bless you and hopefully she will snap out of it. My 17 year old is now actively in sports. This helps his aggression and also wears him out.
Thank you so much for this! We have her seeing a counselor and psychiatrist. So far we are mainly doing the counseling to see if we can get it under wraps…we’ll see how it goes!
Im ashamed to say that the incident where the grandmother & stepmother made the little girl run for three hours happened in the state in which I live. Its been a huge story here. Its so sad.
It is so sad.
I can’t believe someone would do that.
If you figure it out, let me know because you are describing my 7 y/o. The ODD describes her to a T EXCEPT she’s an angel at school (save for 1 incident & about 2 or 3 at gymnastics, she is a model student.)
Guess what Maria? My daughter is an angel at school. They were shocked when I asked how she was doing and said we were having issues at home. It’s really hard to deal with and is so frustrating when you realize that it’s ONLY at home…..but that is where she is most comfortable, so it makes sense. I am trying some new things I learned today and will be posting about it here soon!
Everything is trial and error with kids, which is such a frustration. As long as what you’re doing for her is coming from a place of love (which it seems like it is), then you’re doing the ‘right’ thing. Good luck to you.
You’re brave to share this.
That is very true. Something that works with one child will not work with another….try, try, again! I hope we can get this under wraps soon.
I am so relieved to hear that I am not the only one with this problem. My daughter is older than yours, 14, but this has been going on for years. Some days, I just really want to give up. I am praying for you, and hope you can do the same for me. Good luck.
First let me say THANK YOU for posting this. My daughter behaves the same way, and I had no idea that ODD even existed. We have struggled with this for for a few years now, and have often received very judgmental looks. It’s hard – and it’s hard as a parent to admit that it is easier when your child is at school because the fighting and yelling isn’t happening. I constantly feel guilty – like I am doing something wrong. We want her to be happy and the anger that shows is often overwhelming and very scary.
I hope that you find a solution that works for your daughter (and that you share it so I can try it as well!). And don’t let anyone else bring you down – you are an amazing mom !
Thank you so much for the comment. Yes, I do believe more people than want to admit are going through the same thing. They don’t want to talk about, but I don’t care. I am putting it out there because I know that it helps to know you aren’t alone. I wish more people would go public with their stories so it wasn’t so taboo. I will be sure to share whatever helps with my daughter along the way.
Hopefully something that we try can help someone else. It is miserable to live like this day in and day out.
You know my story my friend…. I keep your family in my thoughts and prayers daily! Dealing with children with this type of disorder is not only frustrating for the child but so much more for us parents that really have no support and no idea really how to handle it! I am here for you when you need me!