I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt, but it does. It hurts every day.
I let my two butterflies go…I quit chasing them, but waiting for them to come back to me is the hardest experience of my life.
They didn’t just leave me, they left their step-father, they left their little brother. The worst part of it all is seeing their little brother sad because he doesn’t have them to play with. He doesn’t understand why they are gone and why they aren’t coming home.
I don’t know how to explain things to him because, I don’t fully understand it myself.
My life was put on hold to raise these kids. For 13/10 years respectfully, I have done everything I could for my son and daughter. I quit work because I wanted to be available to them. I wanted to be sure I was able to attend their school functions, chaperone their field trips and bring them their lunch when they forgot it. I was at every school conference, every performance, everything I possibly could.
When we realized that the kids were angry/upset and we thought they needed someone to help them with that…someone other than us, we started them in counseling/therapy. I spent hours upon hours sitting in waiting rooms, driving them across town and making calls to find new providers when I didn’t feel they were with a good fit. My first priority was always getting the help that I didn’t think I was able to give them on my own.
In the blink of an eye, the two were taken from me. Okay, so maybe not my daughter, that was an agreement as part of a treatment plan, however I was lied to. This was supposed to be temporary and maybe for 2-3 weeks, we are now at 3 months and my beautiful butterfly no longer wants anything to do with me. My son was taken from me and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. In the short period of time he was with his father, he has also decided he wants nothing to do with me.
I’ve never said I was a perfect parent, but I have tried my best to do everything I possibly could for my kids. I understand I have faults and tried to find people that could help me with those faults to give my children the best. I think this was the biggest mistake of my life.
We saw so many different therapists, trying to find a good fit. I was given so much different information. I was told to do this, don’t do that, try this, don’t do that anymore. Each therapist told me to pretend they were the first I’d seen and forget everything I had been told in the past. That’s not possible. You can’t forget when you are told you are “parenting” wrong and change this and change that. I started to do exactly as I was told. I followed their directions to a tee, even when I didn’t feel it was a good fit for our family….but I didn’t want them to say I was failing because I didn’t listen.
I did everything I was told. I listened to the “professionals” even though most of them didn’t even have kids of their own. Most didn’t understand the pain from hearing your child scream at you and tell you they hate you. You can say you understand because your niece has done that to you, but it isn’t the same. I listened to people that had no idea what it was like to be a parent, much less the parent of a child with mental illness.
My payment for listening to these “professionals” is now my children hating me, wanting nothing to do with me and my daughter saying she wants to scratch my eyes out. It hurts when my son says to “quit the fake tears” because his dad told him I fake cry. It hurts when my daughter calls me a liar because her dad sees things differently than I do.
It hurts to hear my kids say they only came to visit us for Christmas because they wanted their Christmas presents. They didn’t care about seeing me. They didn’t care about seeing their step-dad that has been a part of their life for as long as they can remember. Most importantly, they didn’t care about seeing their little brother.
We have all been written off, as if we never existed. Like we don’t matter.
I try to pretend it doesn’t and keep myself busy, but it hurts…a lot. It hurts to look through my phone and see their pictures. It hurts to see their pictures on my Facebook. It hurts.
I try to pretend it doesn’t…..but it does.