My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it.
It feels empty.
It hurts to breathe.
My eyes are often filled with tears.
I’m not the same person I was. I try to pretend I’m happy or things aren’t bothering me. But they are.
I’m not motivated like I once was.
Why should I be motivated? Everything I was, everything I lived for was taken from me.
I gave up everything to be there for my kids. I quit working, I drove to appointments, invited therapists into our home, researched. I tried everything I possibly could to try to be there for my kids and get them any help they needed. I took them to every doctor appointment, every parent teacher conference, every…everything. I never missed anything…..at all. Until now.
It’s all gone.
They no longer want anything to do with me. I’m nothing to them anymore. They could care less if they see me, talk to me or even know if I’m alive. I text without a response. I quit calling because they really don’t want to talk to me and are so cold on the phone.
Their little brother asks them for email addresses or ways he can keep in contact with them and they tell him no. I ask them to please, at least, email their little brother….but they have abandoned him.
They no longer care about this side of the family in any way.
Yes, I made mistakes….but I did the best I could. I did what I thought was best. I did everything within my power….but it wasn’t enough.
If I failed so miserably at something I put my entire..everything into, how can I do well at anything else?
I don’t feel the same I did.
At one time I loved kids so much. I worked in the day care, I wanted to become a teacher, I volunteered in the classroom several times a week. I no long want to be around children. I love my kids, but it hurts too much to see kids playing. It hurts too much to see siblings together.
My youngest went from being in a large house with his brother and sister to an only child. We never really told him what was going on because well, we never fully understood it either. We don’t want to upset him anymore than he is, but what do we do?
I don’t feel the same as I used to. I feel broken. I feel like a large part of me is missing. I just want to be able to hold my kids.
I’m not the same, I’m broken…and I don’t know if I can ever be fixed…right now it really doesn’t feel like it.