No, I’m not the same..I’m broken

My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it.

It feels empty.

It hurts to breathe.

My eyes are often filled with tears.

I’m not the same person I was.  I try to pretend I’m happy or things aren’t bothering me.  But they are.

I’m not motivated like I once was.

Why should I be motivated?  Everything I was, everything I lived for was taken from me.

I gave up everything to be there for my kids.  I quit working, I drove to appointments, invited therapists into our home, researched.  I tried everything I possibly could to try to be there for my kids and get them any help they needed.  I took them to every doctor appointment, every parent teacher conference, every…everything.  I never missed anything…..at all.  Until now.

It’s all gone.

They no longer want anything to do with me.  I’m nothing to them anymore.  They could care less if they see me, talk to me or even know if I’m alive.  I text without a response.  I quit calling because they really don’t want to talk to me and are so cold on the phone.

Their little brother asks them for email addresses or ways he can keep in contact with them and they tell him no.  I ask them to please, at least, email their little brother….but they have abandoned him.

They no longer care about this side of the family in any way.

Yes, I made mistakes….but I did the best I could.  I did what I thought was best.  I did everything within my power….but it wasn’t enough.

If I failed so miserably at something I put my entire..everything into, how can I do well at anything else?

I don’t feel the same I did.

At one time I loved kids so much.  I worked in the day care, I wanted to become a teacher, I volunteered in the classroom several times a week.  I no long want to be around children.  I love my kids, but it hurts too much to see kids playing. It hurts too much to see siblings together.

My youngest went from being in a large house with his brother and sister to an only child.  We never really told him what was going on because well, we never fully understood it either.   We don’t want to upset him anymore than he is, but what do we do?

I don’t feel the same as I used to.  I feel broken.  I feel like a large part of me is missing.  I just want to be able to hold my kids.

I’m not the same, I’m broken…and I don’t know if I can ever be fixed…right now it really doesn’t feel like it.

 

Comments

  1. says

    I can’t say I know how you’re feeling but I can say I know Diego needs you right now, more than he ever has, and you have to keep that in the front of your head – and the other stuff in the back. Your kids will come back, they will come around. They won’t be the same, you won’t be the same, but you will see them again and they will know what happened was wrong. Until then, you can’t do anything except be strong… for your baby. <3

  2. says

    I’m just starting out blogging and I ran across this blog, Let me say you have a nice informative blog. I’ll visit you again. I hope when I do your troubles have past. You seem nice.

  3. says

    Oh Amber… I don’t know what to say :( One day when they’re older, they’ll want to re-connect. I’m sure of it! Once they get their emotions in check.
    If Diego wants, he can pen pal with my brothers! They’re 7 :) Maybe it’ll help a little? Let me know!
    -Mindy

    • says

      Awe, thanks Mindy….I appreciate that. He has his friends and stuff…he just wants his brother and sister…you know, it’s hard for him to understand….he just knows they are gone and honestly, don’t want to talk to him…but we haven’t told him much of anything….so…..he just keeps asking for them or asking me to text them and ask them for email addresses and stuff……but they don’t respond. :(

  4. says

    Amber, I am really sorry to hear about this. I sort of understand as someone in my family picks and chooses when they want to talk to any of us. I know you are hurting. I hope that one day they do come around and talk to you again. I hope they read your posts as you poured out your emotions and they realize the pain they have caused you.

  5. says

    I do know how you feel, because it happened to me. I don’t know your whole story, but here’s a snapshot of mine.
    My ex and I were together for almost 15 years. We both brought 2 kids into the relationship, and had one of our own. We disagreed completely on how to raise kids, with him wanting them to be 100% happy all the time and me wanting them to learn responsibility and respectfulness. Ex always gave them anything they wanted so I was the “bad” guy all the time.
    Almost 4 years ago, he became extremely ill and unable to work. Long story short(er), he got on disability. He moved into our living room on the fold out couch to be more comfortable, but soon I was delegated to my room, and unwelcome in the there because he and our son set up camp. He didn’t make our kid go to school. And a thousand other things. I finally had to end it when I saw how bad it was for our son, who was 13.
    Ex blames me 100% for the breakup, and told my son that as well. January 2013, he took him to Texas to visit his dying mother, then never brought him back to my home. I didn’t find him for 8 months, and my son was not in school the whole time. I got a court order to pick him up, and we now share 50/50 custody.

    My son hates me. When he is here, things are good. When he goes to his dad’s, I never hear from him, and he won’t answer my calls. There is so, so much more, that I won’t bore you with.

    But someone suggested the book “Divorce Poison”, about parental alienation. Changed my life and my attitude, In the book, they said that the worst thing you can do is nothing. You can never give up trying to stay in their lives. But the last chapter is on letting go. I’m glad I didn’t have to get there. But the depression for 8 months almost killed me (literally, for real). Even now, every Friday I take him back, I go through it.

    I don’t blame you at all for your feelings, nor do I think you are a bad mother. I urge you to get that book, and seek support if you think that you and your kids are a victim of parental alienation. Make a website for them, send them letters (with money so maybe they’ll read them), leave them positive messages. There are a lot of suggestions in the book.

    I was broken, and part of me still is. My son is now 15, and I dread when he turns 18, because I don’t know when I’ll see him again after that. But I still see Ex’s daughters, and they no longer talk to him, after they figured out his true colors. So I hold out hope. Tiny as it is.
    I wrote this when my son was gone and I could no longer bear it:

    I looked into your bedroom today,
    And saw the memories of you.
    Should I box up the toys you played with,
    Keep them safe for the day,
    When you might come home to me?
    The gifts I got you for Christmas,
    Thoughtfully chosen, each and every one,
    A gesture of love from me to you,
    Abandoned, unopened and forgotten.
    Your favorite stuffed animals, your cub scout badges,
    Your karate gi, all the reminders,
    Of the fun we used to have,
    Together, mother, son, on adventures.
    Memories denied, in the hatred passed down,
    To you, by one who hates,
    Mind kidnapped, childhood stolen,
    Brainwashed away from one who loves you,
    Loved you from before you were born,
    Unconditionally and forever.
    I looked into your bedroom today,
    Then quietly shut the door.

    God Bless

    • says

      I keep trying to text them, but don’t get responses, it hurts…but it hurts even worse when I try to call and they are so cold to me. I keep telling them that they are always welcome back…they say they know but wouldn’t ever come back. I know that…it just hurts that they don’t seem to care about all the years we did have together. It’s just hard.

      • says

        Keep trying, just keep trying. Positive statements. Reminding them of good things they used to do. Having common friends or family remind them of fun stuff they you all did together. I call my son every night, even though I don’t get an answer. I text him, and same thing. For 8 months I had zero contact, but I kept it up. Hardest time in my life, and I have been through things that would kill others. You can order the book on Amazon, and I REALLY recommend it. I am also part of several facebook groups about parental alienation. No parent is perfect, but when the other parent does not support a relationship with you, it hurts the children so badly. I figured out my ex is a narcissist, who is getting his own validation from my son’s hate.

        You can email me if you want to vent or talk. My real email that I use for personal stuff is nicholas334@cs.com Also, http://paawareness.org/

        • says

          Oh, and I know it’s hard. It’s like death, without the death to mourn. I finally got on antidepressants, and it took a pretty high dose to take me off the edge. And I have a great family and super friends and a wonderful job, and my other kids (even the steps) love me, but it wasn’t my son. You HAVE to take care of yourself, and do what you can do to survive.

  6. says

    I am a Facebook follower, but haven’t read your blog, so this post is the only thing I know about you. Here’s what I can tell you, as the daughter of a couple who separated when I was 17.

    When my mom left, my sister and I were angry and hurt. We felt abandoned. When we were asked by the judge what we wanted, we said we wanted to stay with Dad. Now, I know how much that must have hurt my mom. She moved away and for the next couple of years we only saw her at her parents’ funerals.

    But within a couple of years, first I and then my sister moved to be with Mom. For the next 30 years, Mom was never without at least one of her daughters in the same city except for about 10 months after I had moved back to the same town we came from (my sister had already moved back before me). But then Mom moved back, too, and lived with my family for awhile. From that point (1996) until she died in March 2013, Mom always had her children and grandchildren within a 15-minute drive.

    As a child who rejected her mother in divorce court, I am sorry for that rejection. But I think Mom forgave me, and our relationship was strong for many years. I miss her.

    I don’t know how old your children are or the circumstances that separate you, but as long as you are living, there is hope for reconciliation. Just keep reminding them that you love them. Keep praying for them. Maybe send them letters – keep the letters simple, like “thinking of you” and don’t over-try to win their affection. Let them know you are there for them, but that you are giving them space, as well.

    And … you might want to update your “About Me” page and “About Amber” on the right.

  7. Allison says

    This breaks my heart. I have a parent (my dad) who is not in my life and never really has been. I hope they realize they are fortunate that you actually want to be a part of their live

    • Allison says

      live and have been in the past (no matter what the circumstances). At least you’ve tried and been there. I’d do anything to have a good relationship with my dad, but he has never cared enough about me to even try. Every day for the last 20+ years of my life I have hoped for the miracle of him actually wanting to be a part of my life and for them to not care and ignore you really upsets me. I know that I don’t know the whole story, but they are lucky enough that you try and want to be there and they should at least be there for their brother. Some people just need a damn reality check in what is important in life. I hope they figure that put before it is too late because if not they will leave with guilt and regret for the rest of their lives.

      Top should be “lives” but having trouble editing for some reason.

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