Judge me…..go for it.

I caught a question over at Slap Dash Mom that really got to me….not the question itself, but the replies.  The question was…

Do you think less of a woman that doesn’t have custody of her kids……then what about a man?

sdm

Okay, that’s a valid question.  Most moms DO have all their kids…..unless they are batshit crazy like Brittney Spears in 2007.  At least that’s what I USED to think.  Before I get into that….let’s talk about some of the replies:

moms1 moms2 moms3

So yes, these moms are judging ALL moms that don’t have custody of their kids.  To say you have to “be a pretty bad mom to not have ur kids” is a harsh statement.  What if they gave up the kid(s) because the child(ren) could have a better life with their dad or due to health reasons…or really….any reason.  If the children are well taken care of, does it matter?

Okay, so maybe I would have judged in the past…..before it happened to me. 

Yeah, if you’ve been living under a rock….my two oldest no longer live with me.  After a really sleazy move (which I will NEVER forgive), my ex has custody of my kids.   I tried to get them back, because legally, I do still have custody…but the kids have made it very clear they no longer want to live in my home.  It took a while before they would even talk to me without being mean, rude or telling me mean things.

It was a hard thing to deal with.  Having my son, who I was always so close with tell that I am now a “horrible mom” and if I made him come back to this house that he would destroy it.  Just minutes before he was taken from the home we were having good conversations and everything seemed to be on the up and up…now I’m a horrible mom?  How does that happen?

I have always fought for my kids.   When I realized that they were having anger outbursts, I didn’t know how to handle them, so I looked for help.  I went through multiple programs, therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, etc etc etc.  Things seemed to always get worse instead of better.  I followed what they said to do and they still said it was bad parenting.  I never understood it because I was doing exactly what they told me to do and yet, it was bad parenting.

My youngest had none of the issues as my older two.  So how can I be that bad of a parent?  Maybe it was the different DNA….I don’t know.

In October my daughter went to stay with her paternal grandmother for a temporary stay and then her father moved in to help.  Her violent outbursts stopped and she did better.  Okay.  I can accept that.  I did everything I possibly could for her and it wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t what she needed.  Obviously.  For my own mental health, I had to let go of the grasp I had.  I had to allow her to be with her dad…even though the longer she stayed, the more she resented me….even though I was always trying to find her help.  I was trying to have a happy family.  It wasn’t enough.

In December after some dirty moves, my son was abruptly moved to his dads.  I completely lost it.  I didn’t eat or sleep for two weeks.  I just cried all day long.  We went through the court and the kids were given back to me, but my son has said he will not come back to live with me.

That hurt.  Bad.

After he told me that (and then told me that my tears were fake), and I already knew how my daughter felt, I knew I had to let go.  I had to allow them to have their space and eventually, hopefully, they will be back.  One day they will see that, yes, I may have made bad choices (no parent is perfect), but I was trying to help them.  I was doing my best.  It’s all I could do…and if I had to, I’d do it again.

Since they have been gone, my youngest is doing so much better.  He has come out of his shell and is thriving.  When there was chaos in the house every day he locked himself away a lot of the time.  While we’re still trying to break the clutch he has on electronics (from trying to drown out the fighting for years), overall he has improved so much.

So, did I fight for the kids….nope.  They are with their dad and I can only hope that he is doing all that he can to teach them to be productive, successful adults.

So go for it….keep judging all the moms that don’t have their kids…..I dare you

Comments

  1. says

    The only women I judge for not having custody of their kids are women like some of the ones in my family.

    I have a cousin who left her husband and voluntarily signed over custody to him simply because she didn’t want to be inconvenience by the kids (they were like 2 and 5). After a while she wanted them back and had to fight for over 10 years before she finally did get them back because he in turn gave custody to his parents. It was a mess. She has never ever given an excuse why she felt the kids were better off with him.

    I have an aunt who divorced her husband and re-married a guy she met on the computer so he wasn’t from where we were so when they went to move to his hometown she left her 17 year old daughter behind and let her live with a boyfriend because they didn’t want her tagging along.

    I also another cousin with two boys who hasn’t had either one in years. She’s late 30s and still wants to party like a teenager. Another cousin did some prison time and wasn’t able to re-gain custody from her parents of her two oldest once released. They resided in FL so instead of staying close to still be in their lives, she moved to TN and had more kids and rarely saw her boys.

    My niece had her first kid at 16 and 11 months later had her second. She never even attempted to keep her second kid and see how things would go. That wouldn’t have been as bad if she hadn’t had a third kid before the age of 19 who she doesn’t have either.

    Sorry this is so long but these are the types of women I judge, not ones like you or in similar circumstances.

    • says

      and I completely agree with that…when you give up your kids because they are “too much work” or you do illegal things that takes away custody, that is one thing. Many people will judge as soon as they hear, the kids live with their dad. I mean…they live with their DAD….they have the same DNA….he took as much in a part to making them as I did….so I mean, yeah..he has as much right to raise them as I do. I do wish things weren’t the way they are…and one day I hope things turn around….even just for the kids coming around more…I rarely see them right now..it’s hard to deal with some days. :( It’s been long enough now that some days I’m okay and can deal with it and other days where I just totally lose it and cry all day.

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