I caught a question over at Slap Dash Mom that really got to me….not the question itself, but the replies. The question was…
Do you think less of a woman that doesn’t have custody of her kids……then what about a man?
Okay, that’s a valid question. Most moms DO have all their kids…..unless they are batshit crazy like Brittney Spears in 2007. At least that’s what I USED to think. Before I get into that….let’s talk about some of the replies:
So yes, these moms are judging ALL moms that don’t have custody of their kids. To say you have to “be a pretty bad mom to not have ur kids” is a harsh statement. What if they gave up the kid(s) because the child(ren) could have a better life with their dad or due to health reasons…or really….any reason. If the children are well taken care of, does it matter?
Okay, so maybe I would have judged in the past…..before it happened to me.
Yeah, if you’ve been living under a rock….my two oldest no longer live with me. After a really sleazy move (which I will NEVER forgive), my ex has custody of my kids. I tried to get them back, because legally, I do still have custody…but the kids have made it very clear they no longer want to live in my home. It took a while before they would even talk to me without being mean, rude or telling me mean things.
It was a hard thing to deal with. Having my son, who I was always so close with tell that I am now a “horrible mom” and if I made him come back to this house that he would destroy it. Just minutes before he was taken from the home we were having good conversations and everything seemed to be on the up and up…now I’m a horrible mom? How does that happen?
I have always fought for my kids. When I realized that they were having anger outbursts, I didn’t know how to handle them, so I looked for help. I went through multiple programs, therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, etc etc etc. Things seemed to always get worse instead of better. I followed what they said to do and they still said it was bad parenting. I never understood it because I was doing exactly what they told me to do and yet, it was bad parenting.
My youngest had none of the issues as my older two. So how can I be that bad of a parent? Maybe it was the different DNA….I don’t know.
In October my daughter went to stay with her paternal grandmother for a temporary stay and then her father moved in to help. Her violent outbursts stopped and she did better. Okay. I can accept that. I did everything I possibly could for her and it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what she needed. Obviously. For my own mental health, I had to let go of the grasp I had. I had to allow her to be with her dad…even though the longer she stayed, the more she resented me….even though I was always trying to find her help. I was trying to have a happy family. It wasn’t enough.
In December after some dirty moves, my son was abruptly moved to his dads. I completely lost it. I didn’t eat or sleep for two weeks. I just cried all day long. We went through the court and the kids were given back to me, but my son has said he will not come back to live with me.
That hurt. Bad.
After he told me that (and then told me that my tears were fake), and I already knew how my daughter felt, I knew I had to let go. I had to allow them to have their space and eventually, hopefully, they will be back. One day they will see that, yes, I may have made bad choices (no parent is perfect), but I was trying to help them. I was doing my best. It’s all I could do…and if I had to, I’d do it again.
Since they have been gone, my youngest is doing so much better. He has come out of his shell and is thriving. When there was chaos in the house every day he locked himself away a lot of the time. While we’re still trying to break the clutch he has on electronics (from trying to drown out the fighting for years), overall he has improved so much.
So, did I fight for the kids….nope. They are with their dad and I can only hope that he is doing all that he can to teach them to be productive, successful adults.
So go for it….keep judging all the moms that don’t have their kids…..I dare you